Valentines day has passed already, spring is shyly lurking in the air, let us dive into a subject that often blossoms in spring:
attraction!
During my life I have been attracted by and attracting many people…leading to lifelong bonds and also to share a path for a while
In spanish there is the expression “tener piel con alguien”
which literally means “to have skin together”– to share the spark of attraction together…
Why do you feel attracted to some people and not to others?
It can be that we are attracted to people that are totally opposite of ourselves: culture, life-style, hair-do, opinions…
attraction is like a magnet: in physics there is the law that opposites attract each other- the positive and negative charge of a magnet will inevitably cling together: smack!
or- on the contrary : you might be drawn to someone that is very much alike yourself: you enjoy the same food, share views on life, have similar features or body type…
And very basic and important:
the smell.
It needs to be right!
Have you ever heard of a couple – however alike or different they might be – who did not like the smell of their partner?
When you imagine the smell or the kiss of a person you are attracted to, your intense desire can fire off a whole army of pheromones that either can make you go bananas, making you do totally foolish things or intensely motivate you – or all three!
Even without physically touching in reality.
That’s how strong the mind and the imagination is!
Some examples:
- You are ready to make time in the oddest moments to see each other
- Your eyes are shining and you are radiant
- You feel intensely alive and in love with life
When you see attraction in the big picture of a relationship – be it a sexual romantic one, a friendship or another relation: the initial attraction is just a tiny part of the whole spectrum of relating to each other. And it’s only a phase that can and most probably will pass by …
in other words :
the attraction is only one colour in the whole spectrum of a multifaceted relationship.
The motivator:
It’s clear: attraction can mobilize the best in you, can energize you, can make you go beyond what you thought is possible
Some examples:
- You forget all about the boring and nasty parts of life
- You are energized and brimming with life
- You smile at everybody from your heart
In fact: many people around you benefit from this up-lifted feeling!
Our species would not be alive anymore were it not for the law of attraction of males and females to each other!
-and of course that spark is equally important for same gender couples.
The trap is: Projection.
Internal : When in the phase of being wildly attracted it can easily happen that you close yourself off and just get lost in entertaining your fantasies in your mind
External : Wishing your partner to be the one you want them to be, and becoming blind for what is actually happening.
Selective perception
The storm of pheromones and the enthusiasm of initial attraction can be like a wild fire that burns fast and which can equally destroy or disappear fast. This has nothing to do with the daily reality of seeing the whole person and being with each other including your weaknesses, bad moods and annoying habits.
here is a quote that I found inspiring:
“Instead of looking for a person who checks all the boxes, focus on a person with whom you can imagine yourself writing a story with that entails edits and revisions.” –by Esther Perel
Here some ideas to experiment with:
Enjoy the attraction:
It’s the pulse of life!
Stay honest with yourself:
Any signs of projection: Is it true ? is it real?
Ask for what you want:
Express your wishes!
Last but not least:
Be prepared to accept or to dare to say “NO” –
An honest “NO” is an opening for a different possibility, for a future “YES” !
More about that on the theme of acceptance and resilience in a future edition!
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